How to Deal with Difficult People Without Losing Control

Whenever we run into someone difficult, our instinct is to conclude that they are, by nature, a difficult person — and that the problem is entirely theirs. The truth is that there are very few pathologically difficult people in the world. In decades of this work I am not sure I have met one. Most of the time, difficulty lives in the situation and the dynamic between us — which is good news, because that is something we can change.

Start with a different question

When I have to work with, negotiate with, or resolve a dispute with someone I find difficult, I do not start by asking what is wrong with them. I ask myself two questions: What am I doing — or not doing — that is enabling this person to be difficult? And what new ingredient can I introduce into this dynamic that might change its direction?

If nothing new is introduced, the interaction will continue on its own inertia. The moment I stop reacting and start introducing something new — more listening, more acknowledgement, a better question — the conversation can change.

People need to feel heard — and understanding is not agreeing

Almost everyone in a tense conversation needs the same thing: to feel heard and understood. Yet many people refuse to demonstrate understanding because they think it means surrender. It does not. I can understand you perfectly and still not agree with you. Those are two entirely different things.

So when someone comes at me — "You're difficult, you did this, you did that" — I have a choice. I can argue back, or I can say: "I'm hearing a lot of frustration. I'd like to understand more about what's behind it." That is not weakness. That is how you take back control of a conversation, quietly and authentically, without being domineering.

You are most in control when you are listening

It feels counterintuitive, but you are far more in control of a conversation when you are listening well and asking good questions than when you are asserting demands. Questions let you funnel the conversation. Active listening — and especially reframing — lets you steer it somewhere useful. If someone says, "We don't trust you to deliver," I do not repeat the accusation. I reframe it toward a need: "So it sounds like you'd want confidence that timelines and costs are transparent and dependable — is that right?" Never reinforce the negative. Always reframe it into a future need.

Be transparent about the process

People often treat negotiation as a bag of tricks and tactics — and when you are using tricks, you have to hide them. When your process is genuine, you can be completely open about it. I will literally say, "Before we trade proposals, it might help to understand each other's needs first — how does that sound?" That transparency itself builds the trust that makes difficult people far less difficult.

Raphael Lapin is a Harvard-trained negotiator and mediator in Los Angeles and the author of Working with Difficult People. Learn more about dispute resolution and mediation at Lapin Negotiation Services.