Negotiation Strategies That Actually Work: Lessons from a Harvard-Trained Negotiator

Most people walk into a negotiation ready to assert their demands. They have decided what they want, rehearsed why they deserve it, and prepared to push until the other side gives in. It rarely works. In more than twenty-five years of negotiating and mediating disputes — from boardroom deals to family conflicts here in Los Angeles and around the world — I have found that the negotiators who consistently win are not the loudest or the most aggressive. They are the most prepared, the most curious, and the best listeners.

Here are the strategies that actually move a negotiation forward.

1. Prepare for their side, not just yours

Most of us do not prepare for a negotiation — not because we do not understand its importance, but because we have no method. And when we do prepare, we spend all of our time on our own position. That is backwards. In preparing for a difficult negotiation, we spend roughly 25% of our time on our own side and 75% trying to understand the other side: What are their interests? What are their concerns? If we do not reach agreement, what is their best alternative — and how might we make that alternative less attractive?

If you want to change someone's mind, you first have to know where their mind is.

2. Make the other side feel heard — first

Studies show that in normal conversation, the listener misses about 70% of what the speaker says, because the listener is busy framing a response. So if I want to be heard, I have to first liberate the other party from having to defend themselves. I start the conversation on their side: "Tell me your thoughts on this — I want to make sure I understand you completely." Only after I have demonstrated a genuine understanding do I share my own view. Paradoxically, the way to be understood is to understand first.

My mentor at Harvard, Roger Fisher — co-author of Getting to Yes — used to argue cases before the Supreme Court by first making his opponent's argument, more compellingly than the opponent could. The judge would ask, "Mr. Fisher, whose side are you on?" And he would say, "Bear with me, your honor." Having shown he understood the other side completely, he had earned the right to be heard.

3. Understanding is not agreeing

Many people are afraid to demonstrate understanding because they confuse it with agreement. They are not the same. I can understand you immaculately and still disagree with you. Separating the two is what lets a conversation stay productive instead of collapsing into a contest.

And notice one small word: use "and," not "but." "But" is the great eraser — it wipes out everything that came before it. "You're right, but…" tells the other person you never meant the first half.

4. Trade positions for interests — and look for the 18th camel

A position is a demand: "I want $100,000." An interest is the need underneath it: fair compensation. As long as we fight over the position, there is only one solution. Once we surface the interest, there are many. I like the old story of the sheikh who left half his 17 camels to one son, a third to the second, and a ninth to the third — a puzzle, since 17 divides by none of those. The mediator lent them an 18th camel: now 18 divides cleanly into 9, 6, and 2 — which total 17 — and the borrowed camel is returned. In every negotiation there is an 18th camel: a creative idea or a piece of information that unlocks what looked impossible. Legal posturing hides it; curiosity reveals it.

5. Disagree without being disagreeable

You can argue hard on the substance while remaining respectful, fair, and easy to work with on the relationship. Putting the other side at ease — making them feel like a partner in crafting the solution rather than an opponent to be beaten — sets the stage for agreements that actually hold.

Raphael Lapin is a Harvard-trained negotiator and mediator based in Los Angeles, and the author of Working with Difficult People. Lapin Negotiation Services provides negotiation services in Los Angeles and dispute resolution for individuals, families, businesses, and organizations.