Resolving Conflict with Difficult Family Members

Family conflict is different from any other kind. We bring our whole history to it — decades of memory, old wounds, and the assumption that the people closest to us should see the world the way we do. When a family dispute lands on my desk, I know the emotions will run deeper and more intensely than in any boardroom. But the same disputes, handled well, can bring a family closer than they have ever been.

Conversation versus dialogue

People confuse conversation with dialogue, and the difference matters enormously. Think of a group of friends rehashing a game they all watched: lots of talking, no new information exchanged. That is a conversation. A dialogue is different — in a dialogue, I learn something from you that I did not know before, and you learn something from me. In any important family exchange, that is what you are aiming for. A useful habit is to pause and ask, of yourself and the other person: "Is there anything new I'm hearing that I didn't know before?"

Let the history be heard

In family disputes there is almost always history that has to be dealt with. Not so that the past dictates the future, but because as long as people do not feel their history has been heard and understood, that unfinished business will obstruct any resolution. There has to be room, early on, for each person to express how they experienced the past — without it collapsing into a cycle of blame and counter-blame. When Nelson Mandela established the Truth and Reconciliation Commissions in South Africa, the purpose was not to indict anyone. It was to let people be heard, so the country could move forward.

Study the other person; embrace the difference

We assume family members are like us — and then treat every difference as a threat. The richest relationships I have seen are the ones where people approach each other with what I call constructive curiosity: a genuine excitement about learning who the other person really is. I like to say I approach another person the way a scientist approaches a subject they find fascinating — not to accuse or blame, but to understand. Understanding each other's differences does not push people apart. It brings them closer.

Pull out the small revelations

In a good dialogue, you will notice small flashes of revelation — a moment where you suddenly understand why someone feels the way they do. Take those out, polish them up, and hand them back: "If I understand you correctly, this is something that really matters to you, and I may not have appreciated that before." You do this throughout the conversation, not only at the end. Those moments are where relationships actually change.

Raphael Lapin is a Harvard-trained mediator based in Los Angeles. Lapin Negotiation Services offers mediation for family, business, and estate disputes — including divorce mediation in Los Angeles.